Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me…yeahhhhhhhhh. I find my birthday increasingly psychologically bizarre – it’s like a form of validation for myself as a human.
Despite Brexit, I generally think I’m a decent, funny and occasionally interesting person but I still have doubts about myself, and wonder whether I could be a nicer, happier, more interesting, etc, person to be around. And then when I organise a birthday meal (or whatever I organise) I worry that nobody will turn up, or people will cancel.
So the weeks running up to my birthday I always have these very occasional paranoid, insecure thoughts that maybe everyone thinks I’m an arsehole – or worse, that I’m boring.
Weird, I know, but hey. I do very occasionally have those thoughts.
Having a birthday in January isn’t exactly the most convenient of times – yesterday was cold, pissing down with rain, even snowing – many people are skint, on detox, diets yadda yadda. So people have plenty of excuses to say no, and plenty of reasons to cancel. Not to mention that some of my closest friends are living in other countries (yes Scotland counts too), and many in another town.
Every year I go through the same phase from “I’m not organising anything this time” a month or so before, to waking up on the Sunday wondering if everyone has cancelled…one of the only times I was not excited about the possibility of snow!
And, of course, everything went fine yesterday and I had a really nice afternoon, as happens every birthday – despite the lack of beer, oh and not getting to sleep until 4am the night before – both of which made me socially slightly less capable than normal with stuttering introductions and jerky hugging. Oh and the roast wasn’t great either, but sufficiently decent.
Thank you for those who are able to attend. The effort and company was hugely appreciated.
My actual birthday is a Monday. Yeah you’ve probably worked out that today is Monday already. In hindsight I really wish I had booked the day off work. I don’t normally – last two years were Friday and Sunday birthdays, respectively, but this year was a Monday. I normally don’t take any time off before Easter, as I like to save my holiday for when it is warm…or should be. And I only get 20 days holiday, so I didn’t want to waste holiday days. But yeah, in hindsight I should have had the day off and done something I enjoy, maybe a walk around Regent’s Park, or explore somewhere…or a museum.
So instead, I woke up late so had to rush to get ready…trying my hardest not to be late to work any more from my own doing. Had another bad night’s sleep last night so I was feeling really tired.
I was really looking forward to my salmon bagel at work (free breakfast on a Monday) – alas by time I noticed that it was served, it had all run out. I stormed out of the office in a huff – I DESERVE SMOKED SALMON ON MY BIRTHDAY. I ended up buying a chicken sandwich and a Red Bull (haven’t quite given up caffeine yet on the detox), came back to the office to find that they’d put out more smoked salmon. Sigh. 6% of my remaining £60 budget for the month wasted on a half-eaten sandwich due to my strop.
On my lunch break I went donut shopping – first to Doughnut Time, which is a new place on Old Street – only to get there and realise that they are £4 each. £4 for a fucking donut? Not even on my birthday. So I then went in the other direction to get a strawberry and cream Krispy Kreme donut (are you really still reading?) from possibly the most miserable and disinterested person I have seen outside of Sunderland.
Not the busiest day at work as I was waiting for projects to be signed off, so kind of doing quite bitty things, and testing, but a new project came through in time for my sugar high comedown. I much prefer it when I can get my head down and code, but alas, today wasn’t one of those days. The rest of the week should be.
What is the point of this blog? Well today was just another day, punctuated by some very nice messages and a couple of gifts, with a big fat completely unnecessary pie to end. The pie was suitably average too – despite being from M&S. I swear their food quality is going down quite significantly.
I spoke to my parents briefly, wrote my weather forecast and now am going to bed. Early.
With validation. I have had my required validation. Thanks to all those that have sent me a tiny bit of love and validation. It does mean a lot.
Now I just want one more birthday present. A good night’s sleep. Though I suspect I have a bit more fun to come this weekend. Who really celebrates their birthday just once?