Fat, Fat, Fat

I’m feeling down again and guess what has triggered it?  Being fat.  As always.

Nothing else really gets me down – things can annoy the fuck out of me like cyclists and Brexit, but nothing actually depresses me like the loss of self-esteem that being fat, and getting fatter does.
Earlier this year, I lost, I think 6 or 7kg whilst on my 3 month detox.  I have since put back on 8kg – reaching a new record highest weight, 98.5kg.  Some of it I actually put on before my detox ended with an Easter chocolate binge (2.5kg – because I didn’t lose weight from doing some exercise and got pissed off), then most of what I lost in 3 months I had put back on within 1 month.
The usual suspects are about to say, “do some exercise”.
I accept that this is a good idea, and I am not against getting on my bike – I managed to ride 2km the other week which I was pretty proud of, once I got over the psychological challenge of imaginary people taking the piss out of a fat, ugly bloke on a bike.
However, I very rarely have any time.  I’m home by 730pm on a work day.  That leaves me 2 hours to have dinner and do any tasks that I need to do – there simply is not time Monday to Friday to do any exercise.  And I’m shattered by time I get home anyway.
Then at the weekend, I need to clean my house, do my washing/ironing, any admin, clear e-mails, reply to messages that I didn’t have the time to during the week, do some studying/coding, ring my parents, have a roast dinner – and hell maybe I’ll have a couple of beers.  Sometimes I go crazy and organise something by the way of a social life.  I often intend on doing some exercise, but I tend to run out of time.
This weekend was the perfect example, I was going to ride my bike, hell maybe try and go 2.5km this time – push myself, but instead I spent hours trying to improve my AngularJS knowledge, as I feel under pressure to improve this as quick as I can for my job – I need a proper pay rise as I am sick of being nearly 40 years old and on shit wages with little pension and no hope of ever owning my own home.  If I had a pay rise, I could have at least employed a cleaner – and then had more time to do more positive things.  Alas my pay rise request was rejected.
I’m averaging 3,500 calories a day – which is kind of a problem.  But I’m tired, partly because I’m so fat and work/commute such long hours, so I eat more.  And also I binge/comfort eat when I’m depressed about being fat.  I had not far off 2,000 calories by lunch today.
It is all a negative virtuous circle.
Alcohol also makes me more tired, of course.  I’m drinking less than I used to – but still 30-40 units a week. I think my doctor wants me to be drinking 3 -4 units a week.  It is quite a bit less than last year though.
I also have much lower self-esteem than I have had for many years, partly I guess because most people around me are much fitter, much less fat and much better looking than me.  And also have money.  I’m not as social as I used to be, I rarely feel creative inspiration and I’m definitely nowhere near as funny as I (think I) used to be. 
It may be easy for you to say “do some exercise” or “sort it out”.  I see fat people and think exactly the same, forgetting how fat I am.  But it really fucking isn’t easy.  I try all kinds of ways of incentivising myself to lose weight but I just ignore them most of the time nowadays, as I’m simply trying to keep myself going in the short-term.
Only 3 things have proven to have worked for me losing weight:
  1. Going clubbing every weekend
  2. Being unemployed
  3. Detox
The latter is the only feasible and desirable option in the current stage of my life.  I’m slowly starting to feel that I may need to employ another detox.  Though not until England have been knocked out of the World Cup.
Other solutions could include working from home occasionally (unlikely), changing job to one with more normal hours (ballache and risky), moving house nearer work (total ballache and risky) or finding a hot woman that I want to impress and hence lose weight (dream on…).
However, being so fat does affect my self-esteem in general, makes me question myself as to whether I want to spend time with people, apply for new jobs – well, everything I do or think about doing.  And don’t even get started about dating – I don’t even go on Tinder now in case I get a match as I’m too fat to meet anyone anyway.  I actually look like I have boobs when I’m sat on the tube – not to mention 8 chins.
The rest of my life I’m reasonably happy with, though everything is open to improvement.  My weight is just consistent failure and it makes me sad.
I’m off to go buy some sausage rolls and a chocolate muffin.

Fat And Limping

I don’t do enough moaning and ranting on my blog.
I weighed myself this morning.  The shocking but unsurprising conclusion
after a week of binge-eating was the fact that I have put 3kg of weight on and
have reached a new morning weight record of 94.6kg (I have weighed more a few
times but that was in the evening).
What the fuck?!  3kg
in one week?
Very annoying as I was gradually losing weight this year and
at one point had lost nearly 5kg which is quite reasonable for someone who does
fuck all exercise except some walking and going clubbing once in a blue moon.
I was in a miserable fucker kind of mood last week
post-Ibiza and couldn’t stop eating – every breakfast I had sausage rolls
(plural) or sausage and bacon sandwiches, eating cakes before bed, eating 8
sausages for dinner on two occasions, even had gravy for breakfast once, loads
of huge meals, lots of chocolate at work. 
I used to get drunk when I was miserable but don’t tend to drink an
awful lot nowadays – so I binge eat instead.
There is nothing more guaranteed to make me down that
feeling fat and putting weight on as I do find it really difficult to lose
weight so this is a negative virtuous circle. 
Except for the sugar/gravy hit which of course gives me instant
Anyway, enough moaning – look what I have found 🙂
Overall I am less miserable this week, I might even scrape a
below-average 3 out of 10 on the happiness scale.  I expect that I will be thinking more
rationally as the week goes on and may even crack a smile.
Annoyingly I seem to have developed a slight limp as I have
a bruised right foot.  No idea what I
have done to it and it seems to be getting slightly more painful every day.  If it is still like this come December then I
might have to consider a trip to the doctors. 
For now I will soldier on like the tough Northerner that I am.

New Milestone Reached

I reached a new milestone in my life on Monday.
I have reached my heaviest ever recorded weight. 94kg. I say heaviest recorded as I believe that I may have been slightly heavier towards the end of 2004 but I cannot remember for sure and do not have it recorded (yes I have a spreadsheet).

94kg is overweight (something like 14 stone 11 ish for those of you still in the dark ages…can I ask how many furlongs your journey to work is, how many links tall you are or how many shillings you earn each month? No?). As I said I was a similar weight in 2004, but by 2008 I was down to 72kg.

My weight is creeping up each week and has been doing so for several years, most noticeably over the last year. Early 2011 I was 80kg.  When I lost my job last September I was 89kg. When I started work this year I was 85kg. Now I am 94kg. At this rate I will be the average size of an American in 11 years time.

There are two ways to fix it, diet and exercise.  Or stop working in an office.

Firstly, I am not going on a frigging diet. I am not a girl. Nor am I gay (oh did I just finally ‘come in’ in public? Oops, was supposed to be a secret). However I could improve my diet. Last week I made a significant improvement by replacing my sausage and bacon sandwich for breakfast, with a sausage roll. I might have to go further. Perhaps poison myself with cereal.

I am aware of several other things I should do, like not eat so many sweets, not have so many huge roast dinners and not eat before bed.  No sausage rolls, no sausages, no toad in the hole.  But I like sweets, meat, gravy, cakes and sandwiches. I do not want to eat things I do not like.

Secondly, I could exercise. I do not have a total aversion to exercise, but there are only a few forms I enjoy. And I am not going to be motivated or interested in doing something I dislike.

I like badminton, but it requires a second person. I have tried to join clubs, but on the odd occasion that my enquiry is not ignored, I am told that it is not suitable for beginners/plebs.

I like walking. But I already walk well over an hour a day.

I like dancing in nightclubs. But such is the popularity of house music that clubs are often too packed nowadays to do any more than a shuffle.

I might buy a bicycle next year to mow down pensioners on the pavements and so I can finally go through red lights and stop signs and it actually mean a bit more than it does now when I am walking down a street. A bicycle costs money though which I do not currently have.

So, what to do? It is not an easy question seeing as most sports already require a basic level of fitness which I do not have, and I do not have any prior knowledge of what I can do. Answers on a postcard please.  I will consider all sensible James-like suggestions.

I need to sort this out.