Complaint: Waitrose Minibus

Waitrose gave one of the most disappointing complaint responses ever last year…granted I wasn’t at my most imaginative.  I was just pissed off.

Although my suit was imaginary.


Dear Sir

I was walking through your Bracknell business park earlier this evening and the Waitrose minibus came driving past, really rather fast and straight through a large puddle, next to me.

I was subsequently drenched through.  I suspect I may now have to send my suit to the dry cleaners.

This is not the way I expect a supposedly upmarket brand to behave.

James Winfield


Thanks for contacting us about this incident Mr Winfield

I’m very sorry to learn of the behaviour of one of our drivers. I’ve passed your comments on to our transport department so that they can look into it immediately. They’ll try to identify the driver from the information you’ve provided and take appropriate action so we can avoid things like this happening again in future.

We take complaints of this nature very seriously and will investigate thoroughly. We expect our drivers to act in a professional manner at all times when on the road or parking. As part of the company’s ongoing training and assessment procedure, all of our drivers are reassessed regularly.

I’d like to thank you for taking the time and trouble to contact us. If we can help with anything else please don’t hesitate to contact us on 0800188884.

Kind regards

xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx
Waitrose Customer Service

My Transexual Relative From Togo

Hi dear James,

Please i seek your indulgence and tolerance to this indispensable
project, i’m Barrister Kenneth Odumodu, personal attorney to late Mr
D O James, who died intestate with his entire family here in Togo, on
a car accident, which occurred along the Cara road.

The reason of contacting you over this incident are due to you are
sharing the same last name with my deceased client, therefore i’m
contacting you over the claim of his deposited funds, the sum of
$16.500 000 00 United States Dollars, the bank management where this
funds are deposited have demanded for the claimant being the heir.

You can imagine i’m having problem with the management of the bank
where his fund are deposited, because they issued me a letter of
authorization, to provide the heir to the deceased, as his personal
attorney when he was alive, i welcome their authorisation letter, as
to be right, it’s my responsibility to provide his heir before the
bank, in this kind of state. for the claim of his funds,

But i have tried my best in searching for his relatives, all my
efforts went in vain, before i was advised to track his relatives
through the web and that was how i got your contact, as you are having
the same last name with the deceased and also from the same
nationality, therefore, i will like to present you before the bank, in
order to claim his funds before his account will be declares frozen.

Inasmuch as both of you shares the same last name and also coupled
with the relevant documents proof of the deposited fund, which is
here in my position, you will be entitled of the claim, because the
legal papers will give you locus standi ( beneficiary right) over the
claim, as i will be using the vital papers to back you up in every
aspect over here as the rightful heir to the deceased, moreover only
what the bank have needed from me, is to present a person of the same
last name, that will be brought by me for the claim.

Please get back to me for more details in regards to this matter, i
will need your participation and deep understanding to this project.


Barrister Kenneth Odumodu
(Principal Partner)
TELEPHONE: +228 91829664


Dear Mr Odumodu

Thank you for your e-mail, however I believe you have got the wrong person.

My last name is Winfield – not James.

All the best

James Winfield


Dear James Winfield,

Thanks for your mail response, in regards to my proposal, over the
claim of my deceased client’s funds, that was left in the bank here
before his sudden death with his entire family, also i’m sorry for the
mistake in the name, which was caused by my secretary.

And i know you will be overwhelmed receiving such an unexpected
information from me, as we are not known to each other before? but let
my information to you be considered as immense mutual benefit in your
life, to this indispensable project. My late client died intestate,
his deposited funds in the bank over here are without a claimant

I need your immediate cooperation to this project, basically on the
pressure mounted on me by the bank management over the heir of my
deceased client, you can imagine the extent they issued me a letter of
authorization, to provide the heir to my deceased client, as his
personal attorney when he was alive.

And really it’s my duty to consult the heir to the deceased, as his
personal attorney when he was alive, at the same time it will be
improper, that i’m alive watching my deceased client’s account getting
confiscated, when all relevant documents to claim his funds are in my
position to have it claimed, therefore i have needed you
participation and deep understanding to this matter, the most
important thing over this funds claim are the legal papers, which are
with me and it has given me courage to inform you over this claim,
because i know with the legal papers, the claim will be made
successfully on your name without hitch.

Get back to me now and please do not be afraid, as what it will take
to claim the fund on your name, as the next of kin to the deceased are
with me, the legal papers to proof are the most important, which is
in my position right here to back you up in every aspect, you also
knows the legal papers will give you the locus standi, (legal right)
over the claim of the funds without any hitch,

Therefore, you will have no reason to be afraid of standing before the
bank management, as the heir to my late client, as all that is needed
from your side are only to stand for me before the entire bank
management, while every other things that will be required by the
bank to declare you the beneficiary to the deceased, will be provided
and done by me.

To enable us commence on award, your information will be needed as below.

Full name
Occupation and position
Residential address
A scanned copy of your passport
Telephone number
Private email address

The above required information, will be used in filling the
application form, that will be submitted to the bank on your behalf,
over the claiming of the funds on your behalf here in the bank..

You should know without us having an application form submitted to the
bank for the claim, as the claimant, the bank management will not just
start processing for the release of the said fund , it’s our
responsibility to apply for the claim before the entire bank
management, as the claimant, while the duty of the bank managements
are to process the legality of the claim and then the payment will be

Therefore, I will be waiting for your information as stated above. to
enable us commence onward, please your anticipate understanding and
immediate response will be needed.


Barrister Kenneth Odumodu
(Principal Partner)
TELEPHONE: +228 91829664


Dear Mr Odumodu

I realise that you are trying your hardest to find the correct person however you are barking up the wrong tree here.

The only family member I had in Togo, was long ago rejected by our family because he had a sex change, and became a woman.

Is this common in Togo?  Do you have family members that have had a sex change?



Yes he was homesexual before but later-on he repent of it, he was a
born again Christan before he died.


I’ve often wondered what it would be like to have boobs, but I really do like my nob.  It is quite small but I like having one.  Have you ever considered a sex change?


Sadly that was the end of our discussion.

Complaint: Chick Chick Chicken

From last year…


Dear Sainsburys

I’ve been busy this week, really busy.  See, I’m
looking for somewhere to live, I have to move in two weeks and I am
spending a lot of time looking for somewhere to live.  It is a pain in
the backside.

So you can understand that I need my life to go smoothly at the moment.

my disappointment when I started to make my chicken salad on Wednesday
morning before work, and found the chicken looking rather dry and a
touch discoloured – and realised that the best before date was 27th

I have complained about this on a few occasions – I need
chicken for my salad during the week, and it needs to last the whole
week.  Normally you manage it, sometimes you don’t.

I know what
you are going to say, you always train your staff to pick the product
with good date ranges, and you’ll enhance the training, blah blah blah. 
I know, you’ve told me every time I’ve complained.

Mostly I am
happy with Sainsburys but I had to buy replacements this week –
including having to buy a pack of cooked chicken from Morrisons on
Wednesday, of all places.  Can you imagine the pain I suffered in

At least I didn’t have to shop in Tesco.



Dear James

Thank you for your email.  I am sorry that the chicken had a short shelf life.  I can appreciate the added hassle this has caused you to your already busy, busy life.

I am not going to bore you with the usual palaver, as you are already fully aware of our policy when it comes to pick items for our customers.  However, I am going to report this again to the store, as I do have faith that something will be done to improve the service.

I cannot start to comprehend the pain you must have suffered when crossing the doors of Morrisons and I am prepared to do my upmost to stop you from going to Tesco.  For this reason, I have sent you a £12 evoucher to cover the cost of the chicken and a little extra to ease your pain.  The code is xxxx.  Enter this code next time you check out and the amount will be deducted from the cost of your order.

Thank you again for getting in contact and I hope you find a beautiful place to live very soon and take a well deserved rest.  I hope you continue to be a loyal customer to Sainsbury’s.

Kind regards

Customer Manager
Sainsbury’s Online

Supermarket Slut

I got a bit pissed off with Sainsbury’s regularly sending me short-dated chicken which is useless when you want to make salads Monday to Friday, so at the beginning of the year, I decided that I would whore myself out and try other supermarkets.

I started with those I feared most – and of course, skipped those that I fear such as Iceland.  They had to do online delivery too.

Asda was the first company that I tried online shopping with around 8 years ago.  They were that bad that I didn’t use online shopping for about 5 years.  At the time I mainly ordered alcohol and both times they messed the order up – one time not even giving me any alcohol despite ordering a month’s worth – and I drank a lot back then!

So this time they were first up.  And were ok.  I certainly won’t be shopping with them in the future but I survived.

Tesco were actually quite a bit better than I expected.  I think the awful Tesco Express stores give a false impression of Tesco as a whole, and I do wonder if they are contributing to the decline of Tesco?

Morrison’s are the northern supermarket and I normally quite like them – yet they finished bottom.

Ocado impressed, though I have used them before – by far the best product availability and a great range of fish.

Waitrose should have been the best, but I had to spend a minimum of £60 with them which is ridiculous for a single person.  I spent £100 but got £30 off.

Sainsbury’s won, they are my favourites and have wonderful customer service – as the responses to my complaints hold up against.

Yet I am now shopping with Ocado.  For the greater range of fish.

Full results below.

Asda Tesco Morrison’s Sainsbury’s Waitrose Ocado
Design/Ease Of Use
8 7 5 6 5 7
Product Choice/Availability 7 4 5 7 7 9
Special Offers 5 5 5 5 7 7
Competence Of Delivery 5 7 6 8 6 8
Customer Service 6 6 6 9 7 7
Product Delivery 3 5 7 9 9 8
Price 5 6 5 5 3 4
Fruit & Veg Sufficiently In Date 7 8 7 6 5 6
Fruit & Veg Quality 5 6 4 7 7 4
Meat Sufficiently In Date 7 9 7 5 6 6
Meat Quality 5 6 4 7 9 6
Other Food Quality 4 4 5 7 7 6
Total 67 73 66 81 78 78