Complaint: Some Naff Thing I Bought As A Christmas Present

Hello

Please can you advise if it is possible to return this item – xxxxxxxyyyyyzzzz.

It is still in its box, untouched.

I bought it for my girlfriend for Christmas – now ex-girlfriend having been dumped unceremoniously on Christmas Eve whilst on a train, which ended up being stuck in the middle of nowhere for 4 hours.

Anyway you don’t need my story.

I appreciate that there has been a delay, but I’m hoping it is possible to get my money back that I have wasted on the witch, so if you could let me know if it is still possible to return the item, that would be much appreciated.

Thanks
James

[insert random picture of box so more people read]

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Subject: Re: [##116618##] Returns Policy

Hi James,

Thank you for your email.

I’m so sorry to hear such awful news and just before Christmas. Hopefully this year will be your year!

Okay so, If the item is not faulty or damaged the usual protocol would be,

If you go onto the handpicked website, and go to the returns page you’ll find a returns form on there. Please download and print this off, fill it out and use the delivery address given to return the item. Once we do receive this order back you will then receive a full refund.

If you need help with anything else, please let me know

All the Best
xxxxx

The Team at Handpicked Collection

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Hi xxxxx

Thank you for your response and your kind words.  I am looking on the bright side as now I can take as much ecstasy and ketamine as I like on a weekend without being told off.  Sadly I now have to iron my own shirts.

Have a good day
James

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Re: [##116618##] Returns Policy

Hi James,

Thank you for your email.

You have just made my day,

You are very welcome, please have a lovely new year!

If you need help with anything else, please let me know

All the Best
xxxxx

The Team at Handpicked Collection

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Thanks xxxxx

However I do have something to admit to you.  My girlfriend was my imaginary girlfriend.  I thought she existed when I was taking lots of ketamine but when I came off it, I realised that she was imaginary.  It still really hurt though when my imaginary girlfriend dumped me.  And the 4 hour delay on the train actually happened.

Nobody will date me.  Not because I’m ugly, I’m fairly average looking – but because of my hair.

All is good though because I am going to buy a pie tomorrow for my birthday, and sit and eat it with Margaret Thatcher.  She is real, by the way.

Have a nice evening
James

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Unsurprisingly no further response.  Unsurprisingly, 5 months later, I have not returned the item.