I reached a new milestone in my life on Monday.
I have reached my heaviest ever recorded weight. 94kg. I say heaviest recorded as I believe that I may have been slightly heavier towards the end of 2004 but I cannot remember for sure and do not have it recorded (yes I have a spreadsheet).
94kg is overweight (something like 14 stone 11 ish for those of you still in the dark ages…can I ask how many furlongs your journey to work is, how many links tall you are or how many shillings you earn each month? No?). As I said I was a similar weight in 2004, but by 2008 I was down to 72kg.
My weight is creeping up each week and has been doing so for several years, most noticeably over the last year. Early 2011 I was 80kg. When I lost my job last September I was 89kg. When I started work this year I was 85kg. Now I am 94kg. At this rate I will be the average size of an American in 11 years time.
There are two ways to fix it, diet and exercise. Or stop working in an office.
Firstly, I am not going on a frigging diet. I am not a girl. Nor am I gay (oh did I just finally ‘come in’ in public? Oops, was supposed to be a secret). However I could improve my diet. Last week I made a significant improvement by replacing my sausage and bacon sandwich for breakfast, with a sausage roll. I might have to go further. Perhaps poison myself with cereal.
I am aware of several other things I should do, like not eat so many sweets, not have so many huge roast dinners and not eat before bed. No sausage rolls, no sausages, no toad in the hole. But I like sweets, meat, gravy, cakes and sandwiches. I do not want to eat things I do not like.
Secondly, I could exercise. I do not have a total aversion to exercise, but there are only a few forms I enjoy. And I am not going to be motivated or interested in doing something I dislike.
I like badminton, but it requires a second person. I have tried to join clubs, but on the odd occasion that my enquiry is not ignored, I am told that it is not suitable for beginners/plebs.
I like walking. But I already walk well over an hour a day.
I like dancing in nightclubs. But such is the popularity of house music that clubs are often too packed nowadays to do any more than a shuffle.
I might buy a bicycle next year to mow down pensioners on the pavements and so I can finally go through red lights and stop signs and it actually mean a bit more than it does now when I am walking down a street. A bicycle costs money though which I do not currently have.
So, what to do? It is not an easy question seeing as most sports already require a basic level of fitness which I do not have, and I do not have any prior knowledge of what I can do. Answers on a postcard please. I will consider all sensible James-like suggestions.
I need to sort this out.