Complaint: Tesco & Some Crap Chicken

Actually a recent complaint this one!


Dear Tesco

Gosh do I have a 1,000 character limit? Wish me luck on that.

One night recently, I was drunk. Do you have one of those annoying friends that starts every story with “I was really drunk”? I’m going to have to get to the point pretty quickly here, aren’t I?

So, I was drunk. And the last two times I had been to Chicken Cottage on the way home, I ended up with 4 pieces of dry, over-cooked, miserable southern fried chicken.

Being drunk, I came up with an idea – lets go to Tesco. And I bought a pack of Shazans Peri Peri Chicken Thighs.

Yes I managed to stay awake for the 45 minutes to cook them but I wish I hadn’t. It was even harder to find any chicken on the chicken thighs than it is at Nando’s (I tend to pour their peri-peri sauce into my drink to get my money’s worth).

This was the most horrid, stringy, underfed chicken I have had in a long time. An absolutely awful product. Erm, very bad.

(You can imagine what a nightmare Twitter is for me).

Kind regards


Hi James

Thank you very much for taking the time to e-mail us.

To be fair, that was a pretty dramatic story, I’m sorry to hear our chicken proved to be the antagonist.

I don’t suppose you still have the packaging, do you? If so, we can take some information from the packaging and refer them to our suppliers. This may help them determine how to improve the product in future.

Furthemore, if you don’t have the packaging then don’t worry. I’d rather you concentrate on ploughing through your hangover instead of routing through your bins on our behalf.

Either way, if you’d be kind enough to reply with the details of your full postal address I’d be more than happy to send you out a £5.00 Tesco Moneycard for the inconvenience.

Thanks again, and I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards

Tesco Customer Service
Tesco Customer Engagement Centre


Ahh a fellow James!

Do you ever wonder why more footballers do not have a first name of James?  Do you think there is something about the name James that makes one inherently useless at football?

I can confirm that I am useless at football.

My address is in my signature, and my photographs of the label are attached.

Kind regards


Hi James

Thanks for your reply.

That’s a massive coincidence, as I have no clue, or interest (which ultimately makes me also useless at) football.

I don’t think it’s a superstition you should take too seriously though. I’ve queried this with some of the colleagues in my office who are familiar with ‘playing at ball’, and they’ve asked me to remind you of some of the modern greats, including James Milner, James Rodriguez (AKA Hamas), and don’t forget the famous Jimmy Bullard.

Also, I’ve now sent you out a £5.00 Tesco Moneycard for the inconvenience

Kind regards

Tesco Customer Service
Tesco Customer Engagement Centre


Hi James

Thank you for the wake-up call this morning, it was very sweet.

However having now read your e-mail, I am shocked to read that you are comparing such a nugget of disgrace that is Jimmy Bullard, with legends like James Milner.  Calling Jimmy Bullard a footballer is like calling Jimmy Savile a DJ.  He was however very good at picking up a very large weekly wage whilst injured at Hull City AFC and spending it all on cocaine and beer.  Whilst I have no problem with people spending their wages on cocaine and beer – it is not exactly as if every penny I earn is spent on avocado and charity donations, Jimmy Bullard was supposed to be representing the great football club that is Hull City AFC and supposed to be recuperating from a serious knee injury – yet he decided it was best to spend Hull City AFC’s time any money sharing toilet cubicles with other men [allegedly says my lawyer].

I know that you were only trying your best, and have clearly been misled by your colleagues – your knowledge of football seems to be similar to my knowledge of pop music.

But please do understand, Jimmy Bullard is not one of us.  He is a Jimmy, like Savile, not a James.  Well, not quite like Savile, but a man…neigh…boy of disrepute.

Have a good weekend (or a good Monday)



Hi James

Thanks for your reply, sorry to wake you when I rang.

My colleague seemed horrified that you had so many negative things to say about Jimmy Bullard. I’m starting to feel like a middle man.

You’re right that I have absolutely no knowledge of football, which is something I’m quite proud of!

I’m not a fan of sports in general, my passion at the moment is wrestling. Wrestling is the physical endeavour of a real man. The more spandex, the better.

Thanks again for taking the time to contact us. I also enjoyed your YouTube video about eating pancakes with gravy. I took the time to give you your second ‘like’, and left a comment. Now I should probably do some work.

Kind regards

Tesco Customer Service
Tesco Customer Engagement Centre

Ocado Complaint & My 425 Error

Hi Ocado

I have had a frustrating day today. Have you any idea how to fix a 425 error on an ftp server? No, neither have I.

Recently I undertook a project called Supermarket Slut. I became fed up of Sainsburys not being able to deliver chicken that lasted long enough through the week.

Chicken breasts are the one item that I require to last through the week – as they are for my salad for Monday to Friday and tend to go off. Other things being short-dated I can just about work around – as long as it isn’t everything.

Anyway, I’m digressing. So I undertook the Supermarket Slut project, as I did feel very close to Sainsburys yet repeatedly let down. We’ve had some good chats over the years, especially when it comes to my scientific endeavours. I’m not sure that they believe that I am building a teleport machine but they play along anyway.

Maybe we will have some good conversations too, but maybe we won’t, as both packs of chicken received today are only dated until Tuesday.

I am not happy.

This is the reason I stopped shopping with Sainsburys and gave all the other supermarkets a chance. Even Asda. Can you imagine?

Sainsburys actually came top in Supermarket Slut but you came a close joint second – and I like that you have a greater range of fish.

I would send you the spreadsheet but I think it’s on my work computer.

Anyway. I hope you can understand my point in between the giblets.


ps If you can fix my 425 error then we will be good friends.


Hi James!

Although I’m aware of and have used FTP servers, I’m afraid fixing a 425 error is beyond me!

Oh and the teleport machine certainly intrigues…

Anyway, on to the chicken, we display a life guarantee on the webshop for all the fresh items we sell. The number displayed relates to the number of days of use you can expect, including the delivery day. Our produce comes straight from our suppliers to our warehouse and then on to you. We don’t pick from stores, which means your shopping’s never been handled by other customers, or sat on the shelf for days before it gets to you.

We’re constantly working with our suppliers behind the scenes to get this information for you and to make sure that you get the freshest produce. We hope the life guarantee will help you plan your meals and help reduce food wastage, something that we’re very conscious of.

I’d certainly like to look into this for you; if you’d be so kind as to provide the use by date and product batch code (the batch code will appear as a series of numbers and letters or a date/time stamp, I’ll be able to investigate further.

Regardless, on this occasion I’ve refunded you for the chicken breasts and you’ll receive an automated email to confirm this.

I hope this helps and if there is anything further I can assist you with, please do let me know and I’ll personally be on hand to help 🙂

Kind regards,

Ocado Customer Service Team

P.S. Although I can’t help you with the 425 error, I hope we can still be friends!


Random picture of an old caravan because more people will click on the post.

Complaint: Lost Wickets & Short-Dated Chicken

From last year…


Hi Sainsbury’s

I note that you haven’t responded to my first complaint, dated 31/10/2015 about the recent quality of your fruit and vegetables.  This is concerning.

I did however send it to so I am sending my second complaint here.

I have told you time and again that when I make my food order, I need the chicken I order to last all week, as I have salad for lunch.

Imagine my disappointment this morning, when I see that England have already lost 4 wickets, and my chicken has gone off.  This means I now have to go to Morrisons at lunch.  Time and money I didn’t want to have to spend.  Not to mention that we have pretty much lost the test series against Pakistan now, but I don’t blame you for that.

Please can you respond to both complaints.

Kind regards


Dear James

Thanks for contacting us.

I can understand your concern when you discovered that England had lost 4 wickets, almost as alarming as your chicken being off.  I’m sorry that on this occasion both England and Sainsbury’s has let you down.

I can confirm that we haven’t received you previous email regarding your fruit and vegetables, our email address is

I’ve shared your email with the online manager, who’ll speak with the team to ensure this is a one off occurrence.  I’ve created an evoucher for £15 to cover he cost of the chicken plus extra to cover your fruit and vegetables.  The code is xxxx-xxxx-xxxx.

We appreciate he time you’ve taken and fingers crossed England’s cricket team improve their performance on the pitch.

Kind regards

xxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx
Customer Manager

Complaint: Chick Chick Chicken

From last year…


Dear Sainsburys

I’ve been busy this week, really busy.  See, I’m
looking for somewhere to live, I have to move in two weeks and I am
spending a lot of time looking for somewhere to live.  It is a pain in
the backside.

So you can understand that I need my life to go smoothly at the moment.

my disappointment when I started to make my chicken salad on Wednesday
morning before work, and found the chicken looking rather dry and a
touch discoloured – and realised that the best before date was 27th

I have complained about this on a few occasions – I need
chicken for my salad during the week, and it needs to last the whole
week.  Normally you manage it, sometimes you don’t.

I know what
you are going to say, you always train your staff to pick the product
with good date ranges, and you’ll enhance the training, blah blah blah. 
I know, you’ve told me every time I’ve complained.

Mostly I am
happy with Sainsburys but I had to buy replacements this week –
including having to buy a pack of cooked chicken from Morrisons on
Wednesday, of all places.  Can you imagine the pain I suffered in

At least I didn’t have to shop in Tesco.



Dear James

Thank you for your email.  I am sorry that the chicken had a short shelf life.  I can appreciate the added hassle this has caused you to your already busy, busy life.

I am not going to bore you with the usual palaver, as you are already fully aware of our policy when it comes to pick items for our customers.  However, I am going to report this again to the store, as I do have faith that something will be done to improve the service.

I cannot start to comprehend the pain you must have suffered when crossing the doors of Morrisons and I am prepared to do my upmost to stop you from going to Tesco.  For this reason, I have sent you a £12 evoucher to cover the cost of the chicken and a little extra to ease your pain.  The code is xxxx.  Enter this code next time you check out and the amount will be deducted from the cost of your order.

Thank you again for getting in contact and I hope you find a beautiful place to live very soon and take a well deserved rest.  I hope you continue to be a loyal customer to Sainsbury’s.

Kind regards

Customer Manager
Sainsbury’s Online