The Christmas Blog

I arrived home two days before Christmas.

“What have you done to your hair”, was the first thing my
mother said.  Quickly followed up by “you’ve
put on weight”.  Yeah I kind of know that
already given that I weigh myself about 6 times a day and record both my
morning and night weight every day on a spreadsheet.  I do know I have put on weight.

So I quickly popped out to the chip shop.  Can you believe someone asked for cod?  WTF?  Clearly
an immigrant.

That round thing is a pattie by the way.  Chip spice on the chips.  And a large haddock.  Better than sex.

I really love seeing my family and would visit every week if
I could.  For an hour or two.  But I was visiting for 4 nights and I always
struggle with the lack of independence and control that staying with my family
means.  There are other reasons than the
size of my belly as to why I am single.

Not to mention the crap TV that my family watch, like
Strictly Come Dancing and Emmerdale.  So
instead on the Tuesday night we watched Into The Storm – a movie about storm
chasers.  It made Emmerdale seem
realistic.  Worst movie I have ever
watched.

It was important to make sure that there was enough to keep
me occupied so my and my sister went for a drive and a walk on Christmas
Eve.  We drove past the anti-fracking
campaigners so it gave me an opportunity to shout “GET A JOB!”.  I only saw one person (not my photo).  Apparently the leader of the anti-fracking
camp is in Brisbane.  Too cold is
it?  GET A JOB.

Apparenly I am not the first to shout this.

On Boxing Day (yeah I know I have missed a day) we went to
The Deep – Hull’s premier tourist attraction. 
The world’s only submarium.  You
may not have heard this word before and neither had Google for the first 5 years
of use.  It has fish and stuff.

And penguins.

 

 

The penguins were absolute class.  Some of them were buzzing around the pool,
chasing each other, jumping into the air, and then doing crazy backflips out of
the water onto land.  Really adorable.  The others just stood there totally
disinterested.

Christmas Day can see us humans behaving like penguins – exciteable in the morning, fucking boring after dinner.

Of course I like giving and receiving presents.

Highlights included not 1, not 2 but 3 pairs of work trousers.  I now have 5 pairs of work trousers.  This is depressing.

My grandma particular excelled with these elegant socks:

 

Apparently I asked for daft socks.  I had actually asked for dark socks.  In writing.

She made up for that by buying me an egg beater:

Other highlights included getting a hippopotamus for Christmas:

“Only a hippopotamus would do.  No crocodile, or rhinocerouses.  I only like, hippopotamuses.  And hippopotamuses love me too.”

My secret santa bought me some gravy.

Clearly not someone who knows me very well as they bought Bisto.  FFS.

The most controversial present was this recipe book from my best friend:

What is my girlfriend going to think?

But you know what my best present was?  Seeing the smile on my mum’s face.