My letter to Uefa.
I went to my first ever competitive England match last night at the magnificent Wembley stadium.
However I was left distraught upon entry – not to mention thirsty – at the ban on alcohol sales.
Why is this?
Are you trying to rid all-seater stadiums of their remaining atmospheric elements?
Is it part of the football gentrification program?
Perhaps you now part of the Islamic Caliphate?
There are of course ways around this for future games:
1. Get exceptionally tanked up before the game. I would rather just have a few beers but this may have to be considered.
2. Take a hip-flask full of vodka. Does Michel Platini have shares in Sigg? The finest hipflask makers in Switzerland, so I am told.
3. Bring some illegal drugs. Perhaps football stadiums will now be taken over by drug dealers?
4. Alcohol powder. Now I know why that was invented!
The absurdity of the rules was that I wasn’t even allowed a glass of red bull into the stand – because it might look like beer on the television.
The saddest part though was being too sober to find the trolley full of Jules Rimet’ trophies being sold for a tenner, a would-be drunken bargain, on the way out.
I could have woken up today with my head pounding, feeling sick, my room stinking of leftover kebab, my phone bill greatly enlarged thanks to the Babestation ladies, my wallet devoid of any money to go food shopping with – but I would have had a big, shiny gold Jules Rimet as my souvenir.
But no. Sobriety means I woke up, put some washing on and started studying. How boring.
When I went to watch the cricket (not sure if you have heard of it, but it is basically a game where one side bowls a ball and the other side bats the ball, and it lasts for 5 days), I could sit at the stand and drink beer all day long.
Now at the football, I’m not even allowed one measly beer before the game.
What is next? Breathalysing fans on the way in? Blood tests to make sure nobody has drunk for a week? A 5-mile no-alcohol zone around stadiums?
UEFA – please reverse this abysmally turgid no-alcohol rule before the sanitisation of football is complete.
ps A nice bottle of French wine will suffice as an apology